We can choose our friends, but not our relatives, and at Christmas we realise just how true this can be. Sibling rivalries, interfering in-laws, and marriage problems all seem to come to the fore. While the images at this time of year are of romantic couples and happy, relaxed families - the reality is often very different. So why should Christmas, with its message of peace on earth, be such an unharmonious time?
Psychologist Kati St Clair believes one of the reasons is because we try too hard to be pleasant and have a good time. "The main reason we all have such a trying time is that we think we have to be nice - and when we feel we have to do something - we very often do the opposite," she says. "Its our subconscious dealing with negatives - for instance - if someone says don't think of a pink elephant - all you can do is think about one. We don't cope very well with anything we feel we ought to do, or must do, or should do. And feeling that we 'must1 have a good time heaps on the pressure."

Expecting a large family gathering - which happens just once a year - to go smoothly, is also unrealistic, she says. "Unlike France and Italy, we don't have a culture where the family meets up every weekend around the dinner table."In the UK we do it once a year and everything is, compressed into one day, differences of opinion, likes and dislikes. This is a nation of suppresses. We suppress our feelings and then we drink alcohol - the great anti-suppressant The effect is like a pressure cooker - there's a lot more steam and suddenly the lid blows off." St Clair believes the only stress-free way through Christmas - other than spending it alone in the sun somewhere - is to speak your mind, but in a way which will not offend or add to the tension. She calls this 'good confrontation'. "People generally don't like confrontation, but good confrontation is a means of combating suppression and expressing yourself with care and attention," she says.

The other option is to lie e person realises you didn’t like the jumper they gave you
because the dog is now wearing it - or you have to perpetrate the lie the next year and that adds to the pressure. If someone gives you a present you don't like, you should honour the gesture. Always take responsibility for the choice and thank them for their kindness," she advises. Christmas can also be stressful because our perceptions of it are false and ensure we are disappointed when it fails to live up to our expectations, says St Clair. "It’s a time of high stress when we actually work really hard cooking and looking after people and there's a lot of tension. Think of it as being ghastly and awful, and it won't hurt so much when it is. Its idiotic that we all think we must have fun."